invisible war…

Ayef, nagkita kami kahapon.. out of the blue sumipot sya sa haus.. we had lunch together.. funny kc around 2 hours kaming magkasama pero wala kaming pinag-usapan.. ni hindi nga kami makatingin ng eye-to-eye sa bawat isa.. nasabi ko lang "i missed you", "let’s eat now", "i’ll go back to the office", "yes" & "bye".. nasabi naman nya "ok", "i’ll bring you to ofc", "do you know that @@@ will go to japan?", "i’ll go now" yun lang, no more no less..

now, while im typing this, dumating sya.. eto nakaupo sa harap ko.. busy-busyhan.. the silence between between us simply means we’re still not ok though we’re together.. seems like we’re raising an invisible war…

Invisible war, seems we’re waging an invisible war
Strained maneouvres, keeping silent score
In this invisible war
Every day I seem to lose you more
Both wishing it was like before
In this invisible war

Talk about a fine line between love and hate
We’ve lost more than our direction of fate
Talk about a fine line between lovers and friends
We’ve never been lovers and now we’re not even friends

In this invisible war, seems we’re waging an invisible war
Every day I seem to lose you more
In this invisible war

Wounded deeply the scar is here to stay
Opening up at all the little things I do and say
You always want things to be as before
So I make you angry and you bleed a little more

In this invisible war, seems we’re waging an invisible war
Every day I seem to lose you more
In this invisible war

Want to go away
I still love you
Got to go away
I always love you
Got to be away
Time heals all wounds
Invisible war

absurd…

months ago i posted in friendster that we have plans of getting morethan 40 scholars from Philippines.. i made the proposal - from advertising, to recruitment process down to scholarship grant contract.. ’twas good.. few hours ago during lunch time, mike, from international planning division told me that 30 Filipino students will arrive on 28th of August.. "wow" that was my immediate reply.. i even asked him a couple of times if it’s true & if it’s sure.. he gave me confirmation and even told me that i need to go with him to fetch the students at the airport.. moreover, he told me that he needs my help in managing the students.. yes! of course! i told him that his news brightened up my day..

just after lunch, the new director of global yeungjin - a very very good friend of mine - told me that i should stay away from Filipino students. I asked him why.. he said:

1: they might complain in the end that my benefits are far more better than what they’ll receive    (–> but of course, i’m professor and they are scholars. i’m pretty much sure it wont be a problem with my fellow kababayans)

2: that other koreans in our college might think we’re of the same status here (–> so what?! it’s not my problem if they are misinformed. ok, fine, i should protect my profession but i dont think those professors & students are that stupid to think of such, besides, i’ve been here for morethan a year now and most of them know that i’m not a student!)

furthermore, i told him that they might encounter a lot of problems ‘coz these students are not yet used to korean-way-of-living and i can help them patch the gap between korean & Filipino culture; that he’s just being paranoid and that all of the problems he’s thinking can be avoided (if it will happen) if i can explain it well to my fellow kabayans. that me being civil with Filipino students would mean making them hate me and might cause the problems he’s saying.. grrr.. grrr.. too selfish..

i followed them when they asked me to stay away from other Pinoys here in daegu. i managed to live on my own though it’s tough. to be fair with the management and to "him", they’ve been so good to me.. they are trying to protect me always.. they’re even trying to fill in the gaps of not having Pinoy friends.. pero iba pa rin yung kababayan mo di ba..

his last advise: "stay away from Filipino students it’s not good for you, don’t make deep friendship with them and don’t let other koreans see you with them." anak ng puta di ako makapagpigil, anong gusto nilang mangyari sakin? umikot lang ang mundo sa kanilang mga koreano?! i know they like me pero sobra naman silang selfish.. same thing happened sa previous relationship ko.. some of my friends feels bad if i make friends with others.. masarap silang magmahal pero often times nakakasakal.. i thought i can understand them, but at this point i cant see the rationale.. i can mess around with korean students but i can’t be with my fellow kabayans who will be studying here?! ridiculous and absurd.

i always try to find reasons for everything, yun lang ang easiest way ko to accept things.. the only reason i see here is that they are afraid that i wont have time with koreans anymore.. few days ago, they acknowledged me for spending time with my students even after class.. yeah, it may be one of the reasons but it’s not even valid.. Ma’am Ana, Ate Ning, Bea, Che, and others i forgot to mention, can you shed some light? kayo ang mga beterana na sa pag intindi sa kanila..

i finished our conversation by saying "i followed all of your advices before, but if you want me to follow this one, put it in writing…"

mga numero…

1 oras na ang nakakalipas mula ng magdesisyon akong mahiga sa kama at magpahinga, ngunit ano pa nga bang bago? natural, si hari ng antok busy na namang magpatulog ng ibang tao at si hari ng lungkot na naman ang naka-isip dumalaw sakin. mabuti na rin ‘yon, dahil tuwing dumadalaw sya, binabatukan nya ako sa mga kagaguhang ginawa ko. naiisip ko kung sinu-sino ang taong importante sa’kin at kung anu-ano pang malalalim na isipin na hindi ko nabibigyan ng atensyon.

Hindi naman ako nalulungkot sa ngayon, sa katunayan nakangiti ako habang sinisimulan ang maikling sanaysay na ito. Sadya lamang mabilis ang takbo ng utak ko tuwing natutulog si haring araw. Syempre, tao lang ako at di ko pa rin maalis sa isip ang mga nangyari. Siguro nanghihinayang lang ako bakit kailangang matapos ng maaga. Naninibago rin ako kasi naging masaya ako sa mga nakalipas na buwan at hinahanap-hanap ko ‘yon. Sabi ko nga, "pagtanggap" lang ang kailangan - hindi ako makaka-alis sa kinalugmukan ko hangga’t di ko tanggap kung ano ang mga nangyari. Lokohin ko pa ba naman ang sarili ko? Hahaha, oo, wala na akong inililihim. Aminado naman akong nasaktan ako, aminado akong sya pa rin ang gusto ko pero di na ako umaasa. Nakapanghihinayang nga lang na sa mundong ginagalawan natin ngayon, may mga bagay na mas importante sa pagmamahal. Gusto kong isipin ang sarili kong kaligayahan pero mas maraming bagay akong dapat isa alang-alang. Lahat ng bagay ay dumarating sa tamang oras at lahat ay natatapos sa tamang panahon. Hindi dapat pinagsisisihan ang mga nangyari. Nasaktan ka man sa huli, naging masaya ka naman sa mga nagdaang araw. Worth it ba lahat ng sakit? Oo naman, kasi sa bawat pinagdaanan natin, may mga leksyon tayong natututunan. Pasalamat na lang tayo kasi nalaman mo sa sarili mo na kaya mong magmahal ng ganun katindi. Tama bang magtiis? Tama kung mahal mo ang isang tao, pero kung hindi, isa itong malaking katangahan. Gasgas na sa text ang mensaheng "masakit magmahal kung wala kang lakas ng loob na sabihin ito." Sabi naman ng iba, "mas masakit magmahal kung malalaman mong sa huli ay hindi naman pala kayo para sa isa’t-isa." Para akin, pinakamasakit magmahal kung sa simula pa lang alam mo nang hindi dapat ngunit kailangan mong magbulag-bulagan at lakas loob na subukan kahit alam mong masasaktan ka lamang sa huli. Ngunit dapat alam mo at handa ka na sa takdang panahon, kinakilangan mong bumitaw. Sa tamang panahon…

Ang bilis ng takbo ng araw. 5 buwan pa lang nakakalipas nung una kaming magkakilala. Tandang-tanda ko ‘yon, unang araw ng pasukan, ika-6 ng marso. 2 buwan ang nakalipas bago kami naging close. Ika-4 ng Mayo nang una syang makatapak sa aking munting tirahan. 10 oras na magkausap, 5 oras na tulog at 3 araw nyang pamamalagi sa aking bahay. Doon nagsimula ang lahat. Ika-13 ng Mayo ng mangako syang magkasama kami sa kanyang kaarawan. 30 minuto bago ang kanyang kaarawan, nagpaalam syang pupunta sa aking tahanan. Makalipas ang isang oras, nalaman ko na lang na naaksidente sya habang nagmamaneho patungo sa aking bahay. Himalang nakaligtas sya kasi patapon na ang sasakyan at wala syang galos. 4 na oras makalipas ang aksidente, kaarawan nya, magkasama na kami sa presinto at nag-aayos ng mga pinsalang nangyari. Doon ko unang nakilala ang tatay nya. Lumipas ang ilang oras at umaasa akong magdaraos kami ng kanyang kaarawan ngunit simpleng mensahe lang ang aking natanggap - "kamusta ka?" Isang kaibigan pala namin ang humadlang sa aming pagkikita. Ngunit isat-kalahating oras makalipas ang kanyang kaarawan, kasama ko na syang muli. Doon na kami sabay nagdesisyon na kung ito ang kagustuhan namin, masaktan na ang masasaktan pero gagawin namin ang sa tingin nami’y makakapagpasaya sa amin. Magmula noon, kayang bilangin sa mga daliri ang oras na hindi kami magkasama. Syempre, malayo ako sa mapanghusgang mata ng kapwa kaya malaya kong nagagawa ang aking gusto. Ang saya pala, ang sarap ng pakiramdam. Sa unang pagkakataon, naramdaman kong hindi lang ako ang gumagawa ng paraan para maging makabuluhan ang aming pagsasama. Bakit nga ba hindi mo mamahalin ang taong unag kita mo pa lang nagustuhan mo na? Ang taong tumugma sa sinasabi mong pangarap mong mamahalin - mula sa pisikal na kaanyuan, sa ugaling taglay, sa talino, talento, dagdagan mo pa ng napaka espesyal na pag-aaruga sa iyo. Naranasan mo na bang pumunta sa isang mamahaling kainan at makita ang iyong mga kaibigan para idaos ang iyong kaarawan na wala ka man lang kamalay-malay na gagawin niya ito para sa’yo? Ako, oo. S’ya ang unang taong gumawa sa akin no’n. S’ya ang unang taong halos linggo-linggo’ng nagbibigay ng surpresa. Magkahiwalay man kami, alam mong sa takdang oras, may matatanggap kang tawag para siguraduhin ang iyong kalagayan. Ganoon kami sa loob lang ng halos 2 buwan.

Oo, tama, halos 2 buwan lang pala ngunit parang habam-buhay kong pinangarap. 6 na araw bago mag 2 buwan, bigla na lang nawala ang lahat. Isang araw makalipas, muli syang nagbalik. Isang araw matapos syang magbalik, masakit man sa akin, nag desisyon akong ibalik sya sa kanyang mga magulang. Masakit sa akin ang aking naging desisyon ngunit ito ang tama. Hindi pa ito ang tamang panahon para talikuran ang lahat nang nakapaligid sa’min. Sapat na ang mga numero ng araw na pinagsamahan namin para sabihing hindi pa nga hinog ang lahat. Hindi sapat ang pagmamahal kung pagmamahal nga bang matatawag ang mga pinagsamahan namin. Hindi pa tama ang oras - kulang pa sa mga numero - taon pa ang bibilangin.

Pitong araw na ang nakakalipas. Eksaktong 1 linggo nang huli kaming magkita ngunit parang kaytagal. 4 na araw mula nang akoy iniwan muli kong nakuhang ngumiti. Inaamin kong paminsan-minsan, naninikip ang aking dibdib pag naaalalang di ko dati solo ang ganitong oras. Isipin mo nga naman, 55 araw lang ng tunay na masasayang araw ang aming pinag samahan pero bakit tila napaka hirap nang muling mabuhay ng wala sya. Kung tutuusin, nabuhay ako nang napakaraming taon nang hindi sya kilala. Sa ganitong sitwasyon, hindi pala mahalaga ang mga numero. Mas mahalaga ang kalidad ng pinagsamahan. Ngunit kung nasa panahon ka pa na kayo’y magkasama, mahalaga ang bawat numero. Isipin na sa bawa’t araw, mabigyan ng kabuluhan at isiping maaring bukas wala na ito.

Minsan iniisip ko gaano ba kahalaga ang bawat numero. Tama bang binigyan ko ito ng importansya nung kami’y magkasama pa? Maaaring oo dahil naging masaya ang bawat araw. Maaaring hindi dahil nasaktan ako sa huli. Kung di ko kaya binigyang halaga ang bawat numero ng aming pagsasama masasaktan kaya ako tulad ng naranasan ko? Maaaring hindi pero maaaring natapos kami ng mas maaga.

Isang oras ko na palang ginagawa ang aking munting sanaysay. 5 oras matapos ito ay magbabalik ako sa aking opisina. 17 buwan pang di maiiwasang mag krus ang aming daan. Hmnn, mas mahaba kesa sa aming pinagsamahan. Mukang mas mahaba pa ang pagtitiis. Kaya ‘yan. Numero lang ang sikreto. Bilangin lang natin ang mga lilipas na araw, si hari ng pag-ibig kakatok na naman. Sa mga oras na ‘yon, balik tanaw na lang sa mga nakaraan upang maiwasan ang mga sakit na naranasan sa halos 2 linggong pag-ulan sa paligid na tila nakikisama sa aking emosyon. Tuloy lang ang buhay. Kanina lang ibang tao na naman kasiping ko di ba. Ilang oras ko din syang kasama. Pahalagahan na lang habang andyan at pag umalis, tanggapin. Matanda na nga ako parang buong tapang na sabihin at harapin ang lahat.

Ayan, wala na ang mga numerong gumugulo sa aking isip. Ang mga numero na minsa’y di natin nabibigyan ng atensyon - ang bawa’t oras, araw, ng ating buhay na dapat ginugugol natin ng makabuluhan. Ang mga numero sa aking isip ay nakalathala na sa mga pahinang ito. Malaya na ulit ang aking isipan upang tumanggap ng karanasan - maikli man o matagal - na tiyak kong aking mapapahalagahan. Malaya ko na ring mapapapasok si hari ng antok bago pa man dumating si haring araw.

too soon…

enough on dwelling much on negative feelings.. there are far more important things i should be happy about.. niweyz, i learned a lot of things from the experience.. that is, i do love my family ‘coz otherwise, under normal circumstances (and if i dont live alone in a foreign country) i would have given up my existence. blah blah blah.. charge it to experience.. thank you for the contribution..

only four days had passed since mag decide syang iwan ako, the other day was the toughest i think.. i broke down, something i never experienced in my entire life, found myself gasping for air, helpless, found no one but a crying cheena. something popped on my head "ey you live alone so what do you expect?!" yeah right, i should help myself.. i then decided to leave my pad ‘coz mem’ries are still fresh.. good thing jungwon and kyungmin were there and spent the whole night with me.. had one of my fave dinner, played bowling, and pamper ourselves in jimjilbang.. a positive way of escaping from pain..

the next morning, went back to office.. skipped lunch due to lack of appetite.. andun sya, just as expected - we’re strangers again.. and di ko maipaliwanag, wala akong alam na pinag awayan namin, basta all of a sudden naging cold na lang sya.. too soon.. deep inside of me i know di nya kayang gawin ang ginagawa nyang pag iwas and pag reject sakin so i really cant explain what’s happening.. niweyz i tried to enjoy that afternoon by getting closer with my professional peers.. i played board game with my co-profs haha..

i dont really wanna go home in my pad anymore.. dont like the vibes there but no choice.. as soon as i got home, changed clothes & went to gym.. i worked out for 1.5 hours.. my body was soaked in sweat.. had  a freezing cold shower to wake up my dormant senses.. and went to downtown to enjoy the lights..

after staying there for an hour, i indulged my self with my fave kamjatang and smoked in the non-smoking area of the resto hahaha.. they gave me ashtray though! LOLZ!

i had to take a short walk to digest my second dinner.. after that, listened to upbeat sounds.. i dont know what miracle i felt last night but i do have a very light feeling that time.. maybe because finally, i did something for my self and not for others.. the past few weeks, i was too pre-occupied by doing something for other people.. giving them what i thought was best for them only to find out in the end that… nah nevermind haha.. no to nega’s now right ayef?!

my body was too tired and screaming for rest.. i had a sound sleep.. grabe ang bilis ko namang maka-recover.. during those trying times, Sya ang kausap ko.. i felt guilty kc i tend to forget Him when im ok pero sa Kanya din pala takbo ko pag wala na ang lahat.. it’s too difficult to mend problems when you’re alone.. sabi ko lang sa Kanya, di ko na ask na pabalikin nya mahal ko instead, tulungan na lang Nya akong huwag masaktan & makarecover agad.. if possible maging friends pa rin kami para di naman awkward.. He really listened to me.. ang bait-bait Nya sakin kaya papaka-bait na rin ako from now on (try ko po ha).. the next morning nagising ako nung mag text sya, nasa labas sya ng pad ko.. di naman ako bato para di sya papasukin.. habang pumapasok sya, malamya lang nyang sinabing umuwi sya ng late and di sya pinapasok ng tatay nya thinking na galing sya sa akin. now it’s clear.. pinapaiwas sya ng magulang nya sa’kin and wala syang choice..

iniwan ko lang sya sa haus and i went to college.. went home lunch time just to check kung ok sya.. after lunch balik sa office.. i went back to my pad past 7pm then sinabi kong i need to go to gym and work out again.. i need to tire myself to sleep, better than cry myself to sleep.. in short pinauwi ko sya.. umiral ang pride..

i always hold on the the lyrics the song "one of these days, one of these very ordinary day, you’ll gonna call my name & i wont be there…" now it’s my turn na iwan naman sya.. ang bilis umikot ng mundo.

after almost 2 hours, andito na naman sya.. bumabalik.. sige ok lang but we can never be the same again.. nilamon na ng pride and feelings ko, nung pinilit kong kalimutan ang pains, kasama nang nabura ang feelings ko.. too soon..

iniwan nya ako too soon, naka recover ako too soon, bumalik sya too soon, and i realized wala na ang feelings ko too soon.. lahat nangyari in just 4 days, too soon..

btw, thanks mga friendships na sumalo sakin kahit we’re physically apart.. lam nyo na kung sinu-sino kayo.. *hugs*

movin’ on…

dunno where and how to start so i’ll just say it through songs & poem..

every word in the lyrics below is a perfect goodbye message (even the time - middle of the night):

I don’t wanna see your face
I don’t wanna hear your name
I don’t want a thing
Just stay away baby
Don’t wanna know if you’re alright
Or what you’re doin’ with your life
Don’t wanna hear you say you’ll just stay in touch baby
I’ll get by just fine
And if you’re goin’ then darlin’
Goodbye, goodbye

Don’t call me in the middle of the night no more
Don’t expect me to be there
Don’t think that it will be the way it was before
Don’t think that I care
I’m not over you yet
And I don’t wanna be your friend

I’ll forget we ever met
I’ll forget I ever let
Ever let you into this heart of mine baby
You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
‘Cause all I want is just to be free from you baby
Don’t you come around
And say you still care about me
Just go now, go now

Don’t call me in the middle of the night no more
Don’t expect me to be there
Don’t think that it will be the way it was before
Don’t think that I care
I’m not over you yet
And I don’t wanna be your friend

You take it so casually, baby it’s killing me
Goodbye, goodbye

Don’t call me in the middle of the night no more
Don’t expect me to be there
Don’t think that it will be the way it was before
No baby
Don’t call me in the middle of the night no more
I’m not over you yet
And I don’t want to be your friend
I don’t want to be your friend

Don’t call me
Don’t come around
And I don’t wanna be your friend

The current background music of my profile is a perfect way to boost me to continue to love.

The poem below, one of my original compositions, tells the exact story..

It’s Your Goodbye

It was heaven before…
The first time I met you…
Days had been great and fun…
Never thought that one day…
You’ll be gone.

Everything seemed so perfect,
Each day is full of smile…
But reality came out…
You changed, you’re now civil…
We’re both in doubt.

You’re taking me for granted…
And I know why…
I understand your reasons though,
But I don’t want to accept it…
I cannot let you go.

I know you don’t mean to hurt me…
But loving me is a sin…
You keep holding on but not to try…
‘Coz you don’t wanna be the first one…
…to say goodbye.

I don’t want to give you up…
I don’t want us to end…
But your passiveness hurts me,
As if telling that you wanna be free

Now I’m giving you your freedom…
Because you forced me to…
Not because of what you say…
…that I’m not serious and no longer love you.

In due time, maiikwento ko rin in detail.. nasa self-denial stage pa ako..